Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

by Robert Weiss LCSWCSAT-S

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Author: Robert Weiss LCSWCSAT-S

Publisher: Health Communications Inc

Paperback:
ISBN 10: 075732035X
ISBN 13: 978-0757320354

Do you love an addict? Do you sometimes feel like their addiction is your fault? Are people calling you codependent? If our treatment toward loved ones of addicts alienates them, it's time we change our approach.

With Prodependence, Dr. Robert Weiss offers us the first fully new paradigm in over 35 years for helping those who love and care for addicts. An attachment-focused model, prodependence recognizes that no one can ever love too much, nor should anyone be pathologized for whomever they choose to love as is often the case. Prodependence informs caregivers how to love more effectively, but without having to bear a negative label for the valuable support they give. When treating loved ones of addicts and other troubled people using prodependence, we need not find something "wrong" with them. Instead, we acknowledge the trauma and inherent dysfunction that occurs when living in relationship with someone whose life is failing and keep moving forward. Validating a caregiver's painful journey for what it is opens the door to support them in useful, non-shaming ways.

Helping people take incremental, positive steps toward intimate healing is what Prodependence is all about!

Review

"At last, a therapist who understands the power of love. Bravo, Robert Weiss! Rather than judging the caregivers of addicts as codependents with pathologies of their own, Weiss recognizes them as normal, mentally healthy men and women with a deep and unconditional love for their addicted partner or family member. He celebrates emotional dependence, and he offers nonjudgmental support and guidance for navigating the difficult landscape of relationship with an addict. By coming from a positive perspective, his concepts offer hope instead of despair for those living in crisis. And as a bonus, it's a fascinating read about the evolution of the recovery movement, and the importance of human kindness and connection in healing." —Helen Fisher, PhD, bestselling author of Why We Love, Anatomy of Love, and Why Him? Why Her?

"First there was codependence, then there was the trauma model. Now we have prodependence—the evolution of empowerment for partners, families, and others affected by the addiction or illness of someone they love. Bravo, Rob Weiss, for crossing the next frontier in addiction attachment-systems theory and extending us an invitation and detailed map of how to join him there. With fresh ideas and crisp writing, Weiss distills decades of experience into a compassionate call to action. There is a new and better way to support those whose lives are affected by an addict, and it's called prodependence." —Staci Sprout, LICSW, CSAT, author of Naked in Public: A Memoir of Recovery fromSex Addiction and Other Temporary Insanities

"Removing codependence and addiction from the list of diseases that afflict humankind and seeing their cause as responses to overwhelming life conditions rehumanizes those who suffer—both addicts and those who love them. This approach rightly acknowledges them as co-participants in the human journey rather than objects of analysis and treatment. In Prodependence, Robert Weiss has not only created a new term but has also boldly challenged the cultural practice of negatively labeling those in service to others. He shows that by doing so, we devalue their selfless efforts and amplify their suffering. This groundbreaking book is a call to awaken from the old way of thinking to find new and positive methods. We recommend it to all mental-health providers and to those whose mental health will improve by reading it.'"—Harville Hendrix, PhD and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD, coauthors of Getting the Love You Want and The Space Between

"Prodependence provides a refreshing, empathetic, and practical approach to understanding partners and families of addicts, and how best to help them learn how to handle their difficult situation. Avoiding the classic split between the trauma and codependency models, Weiss uses the framework of attachment theory to avoid blaming partners and pathologizing their behavior. Instead, he validates and reframes their efforts and provides techniques for helping them heal, improve their self-care, set appropriate boundaries for their own behavior, and deal with their challenges. This beautifully written book is must-reading for all those who love an addict, as well as all mental health professionals." —Jennifer Schneider, MD, author of Back from Betrayal: Recovering from the Trauma of Infidelity

About the Author

Robert Weiss PhD, LCSW is Chief Clinical Officer of Seeking Integrity LLC, a unified group of online and real-world communities helping people to heal from intimacy disorders like compulsive sexual behavior and related drug abuse. As Chief Clinical Officer, Dr. Rob led the development and implementation of Seeking Integrity's residential treatment programming and serves as an integral part of the treatment team. He is the author of ten books on sexuality, technology, and intimate relationships, including Sex Addiction 101, Out of the Doghouse, and Prodependence. His Sex, Love,and Addiction Podcast is currently in the Top 10 of US Addiction-Health Podcasts.Dr. Rob hosts a no-cost weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A on Seeking Integrity's self-help website, SexandRelationshipHealing.com(@SexandHealing). The Sex and Relationship Healing website provides free information for addicts, partners of addicts, and therapists dealing with sex addiction, porn addiction, and substance abuse issues. Dr. Rob can be contacted via SeekingIntegrity.com and SexandRelationshipHealing.com. All his writing is available on Amazon, while he can also be found on Twitter(@RobWeissMSW), on LinkedIn (Robert Weiss LCSW), and on Facebook (Rob Weiss MSW).

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter One

Addiction, Empathy, and Psychotherapy

For full emotional communication, one person needs to allow his mind to be influenced by that of the other.
―Daniel Siegel, The Developing Mind

Riddle Me This

If my beloved wife of twelve years received a cancer diagnosis and we had two kids under the age of seven, would anyone label or judge me for doing everything possible―even to the point of giving up important parts of my life―to keep my family stable and relatively happy? If I took on two jobs, quit my exercise program, resigned from the company softball team, and stopped seeing friends to address this unexpected family crisis, would anyone in my life call me out as enmeshed or enabling? And if I went to a therapist for support, would my therapist ask me to explore the ways in which my dysfunctional childhood might be pushing me into an 'unhealthy obsession' with my wife's cancer diagnosis?

Of course not.

To push this example a bit further, what if my wife refused to accept the traditional medical route to healing, deciding instead to rely on unproven herbal treatments? In that situation, should I support my wife's attempts to heal 'her own way' even if I disagree? Should I spend every waking moment trying to convince her to trust Western medicine? Should I try to slip prescribed but unwanted medications into her tea when she's not looking? And if I did any or all those things, would the people in my life think of me as overreactive? Would they think that my family commitment was a negative manifestation of my traumatic past? Or would they have empathy and compassion for my grief, my fear, and my unshakable commitment to someone I love?

To be honest, I have no idea how I would act under those circumstances. I might make the right decisions. I might make the wrong decisions. Either way, I know that I would be doing the very best I could to help my spouse heal and to care for my children. And I wouldn't let anyone―friends, family, my employer, a member of the clergy, my therapist, or anyone else―tell me that my attempts to help were borne out of anything but healthy love and attachment.

Of course, nobody in my world would try to tell me otherwise. Instead, friends and family would show up on my doorstep with flowers, home-cooked meals, and sincere offers to help with childcare, shopping, yard work, and housecleaning. Meanwhile, my therapist, clergy, and employer would understand and accept that my family is in crisis, that I love them, and that I must give of myself in an extraordinary way, even if that looks a little obsessed or makes me seem a bit nutty at times. And if any of these supportive individuals felt that I was overdoing my attempts at caregiving, possibly to my own or my family's detriment, they would not chastise me. Instead, they would nudge me toward caring for myself as well as my family while offering gentle advice about how I might care for my loved ones more effectively. They wouldn't stand back and judge me; they would lean in to help.

In my world, people who take time out of their own lives to help an ailing or physically disabled loved one are called saints. They are amazing, wonderful, and special.

Unfortunately, things are different when it comes to addiction.

In contrast to the story above, let's say my spouse of twelve years became addicted to alcohol and prescription painkillers. Let's say she lost her job because she was drunk and high at work. Let's say that because of her addiction, I can no longer trust her to adequately care for our kids. What happens now when I take that second job, stop going to the gym, stop hanging out with friends, eliminate my recreational activities, and start to obsess about her drinking and using, all while paying the family bills and caring for our children? Will my friends and family, my employer, my clergy, and my therapist support this degree of caregiving and caretaking while empathizing with my frustration and exhaustion?

Most likely they will not.

In the addiction world, support and therapy for the loving spouse or parent of an addict typically involves judgmental head-shaking, tut-tuts, and expressions of concern about the caretaker's problem, with that problem being identified as dysfunctional attempts to love, save, rescue, and heal the addict and the family.

Move over empathy; make way for judgment.

Addiction is a universe where caregiving is often viewed as enmeshed, enabling, and controlling, and choosing to stick with an addicted loved one is seen more as a reflection of the caregiver's troubled past―meaning unresolved early-life trauma and abandonment issues―than an indication of love and healthy bonding.

This does not make sense to me, and it troubles me deeply. If I love someone with a physical illness or a disability by helping that person and the rest of my family, even to my detriment, I'm a saint. But if I love and care for an addict in the same way, I am called out as enmeshed, enabling, controlling, and codependent, and I'm likely to be told that my efforts to love and care for the addict and others in my family are keeping us stuck in the problem. I may also be told that I need to 'get out of my disease' and to 'pull back from all my unhealthy rescuing.'

Caregiving Beyond Addiction

The primary focus of this book is on people who are in dependent relationships with an addict or alcoholic. However, the principles apply to almost any relationship―especially those in which one individual cares for and occasionally is called upon to 'rescue' the other. This dynamic is readily apparent not just with addiction but also when dealing with chronic mental illness, chronic physical illnesses, war, trauma, and survivors of other similarly challenging issues. So, even though the focus of this work is on relationships affected by addiction, the principles behind it, those of prodependence, can and are meant to be extended to all such caregiving relationships. ..cont'd…

©2018 Robert Weiss. All rights reserved. Reprinted from Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.

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Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency