The Dominance Playbook: Ways to Play With Power in Scenes and Relationships

Anton Fulmen is a kink and sexuality educator in the San Francisco Bay Area. He has been an officer of the Society of Janus, trained sex educators with San Francisco Sex Information, and is the author of The Heart of Dominance. He also has had deep, personal fascination with intimate power, and has spent his adult life exploring power exchange in all its forms. More of his writing can be found at www.consensualdominance.com.

The third rule is to *be authentic to your own desires.*

Put both introspection and exploration into figuring out what does and doesn’t work for you. Start with your fantasies. Read other people’s stories, and books like this one, to get ideas, but don’t take anyone else’s way of doing power exchange as the One True Way into which you must try to mold yourself. Instead, strip them all down for parts and reassemble the parts you like into your own personal styles.

Try things out to see if you like the reality of them as much as you liked the idea of them, and don’t be reluctant to tweak what you’re doing or return it to fantasy if doing it in the flesh doesn’t feel like you’d imagined it would.

Be slow to attach yourself to an identity, and remain willing to allow that identity to change as you grow and evolve over time. The idea that you must fundamentally, naturally, immutably be a Dominant or a submissive or a Daddy or any other label is a misconception, and a harmful one. It pulls people away from authenticity―as they strive to fit the mold of what they’ve been told a slave should be like, and then become convinced that they have to stay in that mold forever.

If you have a history of accommodating other people’s desires, if it’s easier for you to follow someone else’s passion than to connect with your own, notice that. Look for partners who help you find your voice and your authentic desire, rather than ones who try to remake you in their image.

Even if what you’re wanting to do is submit, I promise that it’ll be deeper, healthier submission if it includes as much of your desires as your partner’s. I don’t mean desires like what you want to have for dinner tonight, but what inspires you to submit, what ways you need to be used, the things that make you feel safe and cared for.

Those are the rules. Everything that follows is optional.