The Givers & The Takers

"Superbly crafted and astonishingly powerful. A wonderful guide that presents a clear description of Givers and Takers as polar opposites. A transforming book!" --Arthur Brownstein, M.D., author of Extraordinary Healing

"Extraordinary insights about giving and taking!" --Barbara Stanny, author of Secrets of Six Figure Woman

The Papaya Edition is a revised and abridged edition of "The Givers and The Takers," formerly published by Macmillan in hardback and Fawcett in paperback. The authors received many requests for their book, so are bringing it back to the public. Papaya Press plans to publish Evatt’s book, "Byron Katie’s How to Stop Arguing with Reality" in the Winter of 2002. Look for it on Amazon.com.

One morning, while I was making toast, a loud inner voice yelled at me, "There are two kinds of people in the world—Givers and Takers. And you’re a heavy Giver who is sexually attracted to heavy Takers." I was stunned by the voice’s message. At the time, I was taking a two-year relationship break, after six failed unions and puddles of tears.

Next, the Voice said, "Quick, get a pen and some large index cards…draw a vertical line down the center of thirty cards…make two columns. Now, write ‘Takers’ at the top of the left hand columns and ‘Givers’ at the top of the right columns. Each card is for a behavior. Write one behavior at the top of each card." I wrote apologizing, breaking up, changing people, communication, control, feelings, friendships, giving orders, intimidation, jealousy, love addiction, pleasing, posture, sex appeal, trusting, careers, and so on.

For a month, the Voice and I filled out the cards which defined the quirky behaviors of the Givers and Takers. After that, I never saw people or myself the same. I dropped my heavy Giver ways and became a balanced woman.

In Chapter Two, I describe the thirty Giver-Taker traits that were revealed to me by the Voice. If you study them, you will be able to identify a Giver or a Taker from across the street. Really!

Cris Evatt is the author of 30 DAYS TO A SIMPLER LIFE and THE MYTH OF FREE WILL. She is a graduate of Northwestern University.

Chapter Two presents "Thirty Ways Givers and Takers Differ." Here’s an excerpt: 1. APOLOGIZING Takers dodge apologies. Takers do not understand why others view their actions unfavorably. "She’s hurt over nothing. Why should I apologize?" he surmises. Rather than apologize, a Taker might say something like, "I want to be accepted for who I am." Comments like that attempt to make Givers feel guilty for expressing their point of view.

Takers tend to disrespect overly-apologetic people. Apologies are seen as powerless and self-deprecating. When Takers do apologize, their tone is less placating and more matter-of-fact than a Giver’s. They like short apologies. Givers apologize readily. Givers believe that apologies keep people on good terms with one another and build rapport. They look forward to opportunities to say, "I’m sorry," and cannot understand why anyone would refuse to apologize when it’s so easy.

Givers apologize to keep the peace, which is more important for them than being right or top dog. Their tone is effusive and placating. They adore long, heart-felt apologies from others. 2. BREAKING UP Takers flee. Takers usually leave Givers. Most often, but not always, this is the case. Why do Takers leave? They leave because they get bored. Imagine living with a Giver: The Giver is always amenable, always trying to please. Because of this the Taker feels the Giver is predictable, a follower—even though the Giver is often the louder, more talkative one who acts as if he/she is running the show. The Taker gets tired of having the real control.

The Taker also gets tired of the Giver’s resentment and nagging. Givers have to expend more energy to be with a Taker, and often complain about it. Givers hang on. The Giver grieves, sheds tears, as the Taker makes an escape. "How could he/she leave me, after all I’ve done for him/her?" The Giver is perplexed. It is confusing to see someone go whom you have loved so passionately and devotedly. It takes months and sometimes years for a Giver to recover from the loss of a lover. "He/She was the love of my life, my soul mate." Takers dislike being labeled "soul mate," but go along with their Giver’s story to keep them doting.

Breaking up becomes easier the more times you do it. It is a wise Giver who realizes that there is another Taker around the bend whom he/she can chase after. In your relationships, are you frequently the one left behind, feeling ripped-off? If so, check the box. 4. GETTING OTHERS TO CHANGE Takers seldom try to change others. You can’t change a Taker, so it’s a waste of time to try. (Givers will at least try to change. They want to please.) And why should a Taker want to change? He/she likes the way he/she is. The Takers does what he wants to do, says what he feels, and has a supportive Giver for a mate. Life is good.

Takers rarely try to change their Giver mates. The Giver is there at their beck and call, willing to do almost anything they desire. Why tamper with a good thing? Also, it takes too much energy to change someone—and a Taker guards his energy tenaciously. For this reason, the Taker is not prone to giving advice, teaching, and correcting. "Leave people along and they’ll figure it out" is his motto. Givers frequently try to change others. Givers want to change their Taker mates. They may think they are not attentive enough, are flirts, don’t communicate, and are not very supportive. The list of desired changes is endless. The Giver is attracted to a self-absorbed type, and doesn’t like it.

Givers reprimand themselves for wanting to change others. "I should accept him/her for the way he/she is—but I can’t. I have standards."

Givers are good teachers. They enjoy telling people how to do things better, more efficiently—their way. They feel the urge to be motherly or fatherly. 5. COMMUNICATION STYLES Takers are less verbal. Takers talk far less than Givers do. And their conversation is of a different nature, too. Takers talk more about tangible matters. The men discuss their day at work, economic forecasts, football games, hiking trips, and their immediate plans. The women talk about their career, travel, design, and how well they are treated by the opposite sex. Givers, of course, discuss these things, too, but not as much; they prefer talking about peoples’ problems, their feelings—deeper subjects.

Givers hurl questions at Takers to draw them out. Takers respond by squirming and retreating. The question "What are you thinking?" ruins their day. Givers talk on and on. Givers love to talk. They can go on and on about light matters or about their deep inner feelings. They’ll tell you their whole life’s history. Sometimes you wish they had an off-switch. Takers especially pray for this evolution because Givers can get very involved in telling how they feel, especially if they have been hurt.

Givers gossip more than Takers. The reason Takers gossip less is because they seldom think for long or deeply about other people. They would rather talk about "things" or "themselves." Givers use gossip to connect with one another.